by Jerrold Beech
The alarm goes off. It’s wakey wakey time again. It seems just like it was just yesterday when we went through this performance last year. Yes it’s the opening day of deer season again. Wake up, wake up you hibernating lump of useless overweight belly.
It’s off to the woods for you. But it’s still dark. Oh yeah, we get to shoot a half hour before daylight. I sure hope I got all my stuff. I’ve got my new night vision goggles so I can find my way in the dark. Last year I almost froze to death waiting that half hour for the sun to come up to thaw me out.
Ok, now I am in the bush. I know where the deer runs are so I will plunk myself down where all traffic intersects. Deer are pretty smart. Well they are smarter than me it seems.
I am quite comfortable now. I’ve got a rubber insulated pad of foam to sit on my rotating chair and the full suit of orange makes me feel quite like a Halloween pumpkin.
I look at my watch. I have one minute to wait until I can start mowing. Wait a minute, there’s four deer just standing about 50 yards in front of me. They are nibbling on some clovers. What to do first? The light turns green. I’m frantic. My gun is still in the case. That’s the first thing I should have attended to. So I get my 44 Magnum Special out and get ready to hunt. Or should I say ready to shoot. Oh damn, I need the key to unlock my gun lock so I can start mowing down the deer. It’s always safety first you know. The deer are getting fidgety. They must know that it’s just 30 seconds until I can legally shoot them.
Damn, wouldn’t you know it, my beeper for my medication goes off? Beep, beep, beep. I have 30 seconds to turn the wretched thing off. I get it shut off the same time it’s legal to shoot.
I blast away in the same direction the deer are going. My clip only holds four bullets. I use the first clip and put another clip in. I blast away again. When the smoke clears, I walk over and expect to see some deer lying down. There are no deer down but within seconds other hunters start shooting in my direction in hopes to get a deer. The same four deer come back over the hill and nearly run me over. In the excitement I have dropped both clips. More shooting. I hit the dirt. The deer do too.
I realize the deer are using me to hide behind. What? Are they that smart? Can this be? Do they think I’m bulletproof?
My wife pours some cold water on me and says, “Your buddies are out there in the lane blowing their horn. You better get up before I let them in to get you up. That was some dream you were having.”
Damn it, Bert, you got to go see that specialist again.
